I Got A Job

I sent out my first resume this summer on July 18th. Over two months later, I've sent out hundreds, literally hundreds, of resumes, and I've only been called back about two positions, not including the temp agency I signed up with (who only called me once).

At one point, I went to visit the university's Career Counseling center about my resume and cover letter. I imagined some glaring, obvious error that screamed "Don't Hire Me!" to potential employers, like I had accidentally stumbled upon a secret employer code. I went into the office half expecting the woman to read my resume and say "get out". Perhaps she would find that the first letters of each line were arranged to spell out "cunt" or something, and taking great offense, she would kick me out without actually pointing that out as the reason.

Of course, this didn't actually happen. Instead, she read over each of them, told me to combine my education info under the heading of the university, as opposed to listing the community college separately, told me to left justify all parts of my cover letter, and that was it. Other than that, she said they both read very well and looked good. Then she began to speak about the online career assistance they offered. She sat me down at the computer and had me log in. She took me to the pages that were supposed to help me, the pages to see where other philosophy majors had gone, to connect with alumni who could be helpful contacts for me. The occupations that came up for Philosophy majors were Lawyer (which requires Law school), Librarian (which requires Library school). Only one alumni name came up as someone successful who you could contact, and the details of her background didn't actually show philosophy at all. The career counselor freaked out a little, attempting to sound upbeat about my future and avoid admitting the one thing that was painfully obvious- there is no hope for a straight up Philosophy degree.

I continued sending out the resume, applying to any job that I looked to be even halfway qualified for.

But now, now I have a job! Today I received an official offer of employment from PNC Financial for a position as a Credit Counselor. Sounds impressive, right? Yeah, I get to call up people who are delinquent on their payments and inspire them to give me money. I start in 7 days 4 weeks.

This was weekend was apparently the real life equivalent of a power point presentation on karma. It began when I got my mail and found two checks, one for payment for a freelance graphic design job, and the other for stock dividends. I also found out that my undergraduate diploma had finally arrived at my mom's. Of course, karma is nothing without the bad side. I was stricken down with a migraine that began while I was asleep, infecting my dream with its painful nature, and lasting after I woke up. I suffered for a few hours then went back to bed. I was awoken after a couple hours by Tara.

"I answered your phone. Take it," she said.

I took the call and it was a woman from PNC asking if I was still interested in the position I had interviewed for and that the official offer would come on Monday. It was awesome. I got up, the headache much calmer than before, and drank a bottle of wine. That night, karma kicked me in the nuts again. I came down with a fever, shivering the whole night, waking up every hour or so to beg Tara to hold me closer and keep me warm. At 7:30 in the morning, the sound of jackhammers woke me up. At 7:45, they woke up my upstairs neighbor. At 7:47, she called a friend (who I assume she woke up) and proceeded to talk loudly to her. I got some more sleep after I took some DayQuil (the only item in our medicine cabinet that lowers fevers) but had a general miserable feeling for the rest of the day.

But the pendulum of good karma swung back in my direction again. I stopped at my mom's, looked at my new diploma, and was shocked to find the words "Cum Laude" printed on it. I rule. Today, at ten till 9am I received the official offer for my job. I rule. Finally, I can stop worrying about jobs. Finally, I can stop coming up with money making schemes.* I can stop looking around my apartment for items I can return to stores for cash.** Soon...soon, I shall be able to buy big tvs, go out to fancy restaurants, and buy suits! Suits!!! I'll be able to finally get a nice pair of leather dress boots. I will have such impeccable style that it'll be a shame I deal with people over the phone and not in person.




*I had an idea the other day for a money making scheme. I will buy/find a large piece of board, about 6' by 4', paint it white, and print a grid on it of 4'' by 4'' squares. I will then go out to the corner of Forbes and Bigelow and charge people a dollar to write whatever they want in a square. Absolute freedom of speech. Students love exercising their rights. They love writing stuff on walls with markers. This is a genius plan.

** I found a surge protector from Staples that was still in the packaging. Tara and I took it back, but changed our mind about returning it when they told us we'd only get 53 cents for it.